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I’ve never questioned anything in my life.

In math class people ask, “when will we ever use this?” They complain about solving for x. They ask, “why does 2+2=4?”

In math class all I wanted was to use my formula properly. To know that by solving for x, which equals five, I will advance to the next level, and that 2+2=4 because it does. Because that’s what they told me.

I’ve never questioned anything in my life.

I learn the rules of society, I learn to memorize what to do and what to say and how to be, but, it never occurs to me to think.

In pre-k - 12, we’re taught to learn and not believe. Not to understand and apply to life.

So now that it’s two years after graduation and I’m left to realize, I know how to recite Pythagorean theorem, I know how the aorta supplies oxygenated blood, and I know that lackadaisical is a cool sounding word meaning carelessly lazy, lacking enthusiasm and determination -

It’s been two years and I still don’t know how the square root of me plus you equals heartache and nonchalance, I don’t know how to get the oxygenated blood to keep pumping when I’m so afraid of his advances that my heart stops, and I don’t know how to stop being so damn lackadaisical.

I’ve never questioned anything in my entire life.

And now I’m left an empty shell of a person. A robot to compare against the anarchists. A cog in the machine.

I learnt everything so perfectly.

But I never learnt how to take care of myself. I never learnt how to pick myself up and move on. I never learnt how to look someone in the eyes and tell them how I feel and what I need.

I never learnt that it’s okay to be upset, to be sad or angry. I never learnt that depression is an illness and anxiety isn’t uncommon and that the only cure is to confront it and talk about it.

I never learnt that having borderline personality disorder didn’t equate insanity.

I learnt how to construct beautiful sentences that move others to tears in stories that meant getting an A.

But I never learnt how to say, “I need help” or “I’m not okay.”

I never questioned why I felt this way or why talking about it wasn’t okay.

I learnt that bruising men’s egos and breaking promises leads to war.

But I never learnt how to protect myself from men with bruised egos who make false confessions

I learnt if I look the wrong way, am the wrong size, react a certain way to criticism or demonstrate any emotions, there is something I’m doing wrong.

I learnt to speak when spoken to and never too loudly. Never too passionately.

I learnt to keep myself small and fragile and that boys don’t like girls who believe in things, let alone themselves.

I never questioned why I wasn’t able to be confident in myself.

I was taught to live by example. I was taught to compare myself to other people and compete. That love was something magical but that it breaks you. That if it doesn’t break you and that if they don’t leave then you’re not loving hard enough. Because when you love someone enough, your whole world comes together and falls apart for them, that when you love someone you give all of you until your face turns blue from lack of oxygen. I was taught to lose myself to the person I loved.

But I never learnt how to get myself back. How to be who I am.

I learnt to treat every one with kindness and dignity.

But never to treat myself with kindness and dignity. I was never taught that I deserve kindness and dignity from myself.

I was taught that some people grew up okay and lacked the faults that I have. That to them these things I was raised to believe sound far fetched and unlikely.

I learnt that happiness was real

But I never learnt how to be happy.

I never questioned anything in my life except me.

1. You were awkward and
I pretended I was too
You changed who I am.

2. It was the first time
I had ever felt wanted
Thank you. I’m sorry.

3. I blame it on drugs.
I was only using you.
But you used me too.

4. I loved you too much.
Pride got in the way. I just
Had to be your first.

5. You were my boyfriend.
I never cared for you. You
Were me with Matthew.

6. Revenge was my goal.
Lack of consent was your fav.
Naive, I let you.

7. I had felt wanted.
Wanted turned to disgusted.
The last time, I puked.

8. Scotsmen do it right.
It was so mutual and
Was the best feeling.

9. Three is a party.
You creeped the fuck out of me.
Just ask number one.

10. I thought you liked me.
Sex had meant a lot to me.
I broke my promise.

A haiku for everyone I have had sex with.
Anonymous

Anonymous asked:

You are such a gorgeous and sweet girl, don't let what your sister and mom do bring you down. Sometimes the people who have the best lives have to go through trials and work for it. But I believe you're a fighter and you can do it. <3

finallylivingformyself:

Awe thank you so much. You don’t know how much that means to me < 3. I’m trying hard to fight. Thank you for believing in me and being there for me anon. : )

Going through my blog and seeing this, means a lot to me. Thank you again anon. Its still relatable. The kindness of strangers

The irony

It’s funny because last year on August 18th, I was in the hospital because I wanted to die on August 19th, my 18th birthday.
And this year on August 18th I was walking home, super excited to be alive and celebrate my golden birthday on August 19th.
(That’s not the funny part)
It’s funny because this year, I got hit by a very large truck, a truck who’s bumper was taller than my body, and I ended up back in the hospital.
I just think it’s ironic.
It’s also funny because I’m dying (they found internal bleeding and there’s damage to my left leg so I can’t walk), and not a single one of my actual friends has asked me how I am since the accident.
That part is funny because last year when I tried to kill myself, no one asked about it either.
It’s just an ironic month August is for me.

ceceshirley asked:

Hi... You don't know me and I don't know you. but I saw you post about that you might finally kill yourself this year. Well believe me I know about that and I have many cuts in my arm too. But please don't. I keep living with the dream that it will be better. I know it is a foolish dream. But if you ever need help I am here. I promise you. It doesn't matter what your problem is. Because I do care. Sorry to have bothered you :D

You didn’t bother me one bit. I truly and honestly appreciate it. And if you’re willing to take time out if your day to try to comfort someone, I honestly believe it will get better for you because you are a wonderful person. I hope your cuts heal and you no longer have to make anymore. Talking to others helps. Especially a professional. As scary as that is. I have faith that you’ll be okay and things will turn around.

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