Turns out I have borderline personality disorder.
Turns out I have borderline personality disorder.
Got the job promotion. Don’t really care about that. I feel like I will fail at it. I feel guilty about getting it over other deserving people. I think I should quit.
Slept with a boy I’ve liked since October. We did it in January and he said “I like you but I’m not ready”. This time I didn’t even try to date. I’m fairly certain he only wanted to hang out again for sex. Even though he said “No, I did actually want to see and spend time with you,” I kinda don’t believe it.
My ex best friends best friend while she and I were best friends (in simpler form we were her two best friends at the time, she introduced us), had a going away party last night. We were drinking. And she kissed me. And tried to have sex with me. Now five days prior was the above sex. Normally, I’d totally have fucked her. I’m kind of a whore. But Tuesday, I saw my counsellor. We talked about Friday and how I used to fuck to feel wanted, needed and cared for but only felt used, worthless and sad. And how I didn’t want to be that girl that sleeps around anymore. And that I know what to do I just don’t do it. Anywho, we talked about how I need to have self respect and develop those qualities. And feelings towards myself. So.. I said no. Told her she was drunk. She didnt push me. She’s the only person I’ve ever said no to that listened. That didnt either pressure or rape me. That alone says a lot. She knows about my depression and attempts. And my fucking for love. All from a year ago? We haven’t talked much lately. Especially not about that stuff. When I said no, the first thing she asked me was “what are you afraid of?” When I didn’t answer she asked if i was scared shed wake up and regret it. I nodded yes and said how for the other person it’s a one night thing whereas to me it means more. She said it wouldn’t be a regret or anything. And I said if she feels the same when she gets back we’ll do it. And she said that she and I are definitely hanging out when she comes home in 2.5 weeks. Then we rejoined her friends and she still kissed me. In front of them. That’s a big thing. No one has ever kissed me in front of people. They usually try to hide that fact… And she held my fingers. And kissed my goodbye. And she kept saying I’m a bad liar whenever I’d lie. Like when I tried saying I wasn’t scared of anything. And she knew what it was before I said a word…
She gets me. She accepts me. She and I have on and off again liked each other for a year and a half. She’s so cool. She’s sweet. She’s been fucked around and knows how much that sucks and wouldn’t do that to me. She had opportunities to but never took them. The only reason we never ended up together sooner was bad timing..
Like me having romantic sex and holding hands with a boy ive liked for months and falling asleep in his arms and having him rub my back and kiss me goodbye and all of that only five days prior too…
Especially since the only reason for it was because the week before I got in a tiffy with the boy I had a thing with for a year, over sex. And messaged the above boy because I was in heat (all I said in the message was “hey”) and his great idea was to watch a movie at mine in my bed…
Because she asked if I was seeing anyone. And when I said no, if I was sure. But I don’t know what was running through his mind.. He can’t really be fucking me around again in the exact same way can he? Like really? :/.
This girl, she honestly could be the one. The one I wouldn’t be afraid of committing to. And that means a lot. She could be the one I’m with. Not just for now but for my future. She’d be damn well good for me. She already supports me, doesn’t judge me and is there for me.
But why do I constantly choose people who treat me like I’m nothing? “We accept the love we think we deserve” I know that. But I know I deserve better. I know I have a kind heart and a lot of love to give. And that I deserve someone who will give me that same love back. So why do I chase people who torment me? Who play games? Who fuck around with other girls and then lie to me about it? Why do I know this and take them back?
I know Phillip (the boy I saw five days ago) plays games because in the moment he likes you or at least thinks he does. But then gets bored.
So why am I hesitating to pick Vicky? (Obviously the girl).
Why? Dear tumblr friends, if you actually read all of this one, I apologize for the whining and the length, and two, what do you think I should do?
I get upset about my relationships being shit.
But it turns out that I’m the problem….
So I go to work, and turns out he’s just started working there. I get mad but don’t say anything and I’m hoping its not him but it is. And he’s all excited and comes up to me. I say why didn’t you tell me you work here now? He said for when I need him and how he’s been the only one that’s ever been there for me. I said how I needed him in grade 12, I really did, but I don’t need him now. And he got really upset and walked away and I said I didn’t mean it like that. But I realized that its true. I don’t need him anymore. And when I was walking to his house earlier this week, I thought “it’s me and Matt. It’s always been me and him. It always will be.” But it’s not. It’s over. I don’t feel the same. And he made me realize I don’t feel empty anymore. So I guess the dream makes sense. Especially since afterwards I was having doubts. But now, I’m one hundred percent sure.
And then a little later told me how her ex killed herself.
I am not suicidal anymore. But part of recovery is relapsing. I know that I’m not just “cured.” But I can’t put her through that again.. So I said I can’t do it.
Is this the right decision? I know it’s letting my past dictate my future. But I can’t fuck around with her feelings because I’m unsure of my own :/. I mean I wasn’t even 100% sure she was the one I wanted to be with. For my first real relationship. But if I wasn’t sure, why does this hurt so much?
I was on such a high and now I’m on such a low. Idek why. This last week I just have no motivation or control over my emotions. I broke down and cried at an after work screening. It was supposed to be fun. But I left before the movie even started.. I went to a psychic that made me feel good about myself and my choices. I bought an awesome old school projector. I made real friends. But I still feel empty and alone. And like I have no real talents and won’t amount to much. But even though that’s how I feel and even though I cried, I don’t feel anything as strongly as I used to. So I don’t think I’m depressed? Maybe the pills are stopping the depression. Maybe this is what it feels like to just be sad? I don’t like it. I’m not used to it. I don’t understand it :/.
My doctor said and I quote “maybe you need a man. But not just any man. One that’s good for you.”
Because someone told one of my friends that that is all I care about. So is that really how people perceive me?