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Why does everyone say “I don’t want to be mean?” Because that’s usually what changes the way I read what they wrote. Because I didn’t think Jordan or ash were being mean until I read that sentence. And it haunts me. And it bothers me. And I feel like a shitty person. And I think I love ash. I have loved her for over a year and that’s why it’s so weird with her. I don’t want to date her or whatever. But it’s like not a best friend love and not the love you have for a partner but somewhere between that. I feel like she loves me the way that I I loved Matthew, my ex. Wholeheartedly, stupidly, madly, intensely, too much, and in a way that couldn’t never be reciprocated.
It feels like I’ve just been punched in the stomach.
And it’s fucked because I feel like when I’m with her, I’m a baby. I’m her baby. Like she wants to take care of me, and teach me, and love me, and grow with me. And I feel like she knows all of me and is proud of me and accepts me. And I fucked up so bad. Because she really loves me. And I just couldn’t love her. Not how she needed. And never in the way that she loved me. And I never wanted to be anyone’s Matthew.
And it’s more fucked because whenever she tells me she can’t be around me, I want to just curl up in a ball in her arms and beg her to stay and tell her I love her but I can’t. Because Matthew has done that to me and he has never meant it in the way that he should have. And I know I want be able to in the way that she would need me to mean in. And I can’t do that to her. I can’t force her to stay when I can’t give her what she needs or continue to hurt her because I’m scared of losing that love.

So instead of begging her to be in my life, I told her I’m sorry, I forgive you, I never meant to make you feel that way and those were not my intentions and I accept and understand her decision.

I guess I’m growing up.
But it feels pretty shitty.

An updated Haiku for each person I’ve slept with : (note number 11)

1. You were awkward and
I pretended I was too
You changed who I am.

2. It was the first time
I had ever felt wanted
Thank you. I’m sorry.

3. I blame it on drugs.
I was only using you.
But you used me too.

4. I loved you too much.
Pride got in the way. I just
Had to be your first.

5. You were my boyfriend.
I never cared for you. You
Were me with Matthew.

6. Revenge was my goal.
Lack of consent was your fav.
Naive, I let you.

7. I had felt wanted.
Wanted turned to disgusted.
The last time, I puked.

8. Scotsmen do it right.
It was so mutual and
Was the best feeling.

9. Three is a party.
You creeped the fuck out of me.
Just ask number one.

10. I thought you liked me.
Sex had meant a lot to me.
I broke my promise.

11. Premature, I wrote.
#fitting. Ifhy - Ttc.
Fuck being your friend.

Dear future Alzheimered out self (I’m telling you now while it’s still fresh):

Tonight, you went to the Tyler the Creator concert. Taco dj’d. Jasper preformed with Tyler. But most importantly,

You met Tyler the Creator.

Granted it wasn’t for long.. But it was the longest conversation he had in the night.

(I popped 3 Molly’s and man I was sweating bad. So bad that I couldn’t breathe. And because of that, 3 guys picked me up and placed me on stage - I was very close to the front. And I went to get off right away but Tyler stopped the music and everything and said how everyone just missed it and that they just picked me up and I like levitated onto the stage and how it was crazy. And all I said was I can’t breathe. And he told me to get some water because they didn’t want to have a lawsuit and I got to go back stage so that was cool :) )

Also, he talked to me first and I was that bitch in the yellow. And he kept flashing me so like all g.

Also, you and taco did a really fast black hand shake. So that was pretty dope.
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