It’s funny because last year on August 18th, I was in the hospital because I wanted to die on August 19th, my 18th birthday.
And this year on August 18th I was walking home, super excited to be alive and celebrate my golden birthday on August 19th.
(That’s not the funny part)
It’s funny because this year, I got hit by a very large truck, a truck who’s bumper was taller than my body, and I ended up back in the hospital.
I just think it’s ironic.
It’s also funny because I’m dying (they found internal bleeding and there’s damage to my left leg so I can’t walk), and not a single one of my actual friends has asked me how I am since the accident.
That part is funny because last year when I tried to kill myself, no one asked about it either.
It’s just an ironic month August is for me.
Hi... You don't know me and I don't know you. but I saw you post about that you might finally kill yourself this year. Well believe me I know about that and I have many cuts in my arm too. But please don't. I keep living with the dream that it will be better. I know it is a foolish dream. But if you ever need help I am here. I promise you. It doesn't matter what your problem is. Because I do care. Sorry to have bothered you :D
You didn’t bother me one bit. I truly and honestly appreciate it. And if you’re willing to take time out if your day to try to comfort someone, I honestly believe it will get better for you because you are a wonderful person. I hope your cuts heal and you no longer have to make anymore. Talking to others helps. Especially a professional. As scary as that is. I have faith that you’ll be okay and things will turn around.
So now that she’s back, am I supposed to ask her about that kiss?
Turns out I have borderline personality disorder.
I get upset about my relationships being shit.
But it turns out that I’m the problem….
So I go to work, and turns out he’s just started working there. I get mad but don’t say anything and I’m hoping its not him but it is. And he’s all excited and comes up to me. I say why didn’t you tell me you work here now? He said for when I need him and how he’s been the only one that’s ever been there for me. I said how I needed him in grade 12, I really did, but I don’t need him now. And he got really upset and walked away and I said I didn’t mean it like that. But I realized that its true. I don’t need him anymore. And when I was walking to his house earlier this week, I thought “it’s me and Matt. It’s always been me and him. It always will be.” But it’s not. It’s over. I don’t feel the same. And he made me realize I don’t feel empty anymore. So I guess the dream makes sense. Especially since afterwards I was having doubts. But now, I’m one hundred percent sure.
I was on such a high and now I’m on such a low. Idek why. This last week I just have no motivation or control over my emotions. I broke down and cried at an after work screening. It was supposed to be fun. But I left before the movie even started.. I went to a psychic that made me feel good about myself and my choices. I bought an awesome old school projector. I made real friends. But I still feel empty and alone. And like I have no real talents and won’t amount to much. But even though that’s how I feel and even though I cried, I don’t feel anything as strongly as I used to. So I don’t think I’m depressed? Maybe the pills are stopping the depression. Maybe this is what it feels like to just be sad? I don’t like it. I’m not used to it. I don’t understand it :/.
My doctor said and I quote “maybe you need a man. But not just any man. One that’s good for you.”